Owl's Roost

Interviews are Hell (but here's how to be the devil at them)

We've all been there: you're in urgent need of a job and somehow landed an interview, but you've got no idea how to approach it. Lucky for you, you've got the internet on your side! There's no need to be afraid of a friendly chat with the devil if you follow these 8 simple tips on how to ace your interview.

Remember: getting hired is the easy part. All you need to do is beat out everyone else being interviewed!

1. Be punctual

Interviews are like trial runs for jobs. If you show up 5-10 minutes early, then that speaks volumes about your ability to show up every day at 5 in the freaking morning, which is a quality that every employer desperately needs for some reason. So don't be late! If you have to set your clocks ahead to get out the door in time, then do it. Heck, show up a half hour early and spend 20 minutes crying in the car! Get those anti-capitalist tears out early and you're sure to make a splash.

2. Act like you belong

Confidence really is everything in an interview, and pretending like you wound up here on purpose instead of by someone else's bad judgement (or your own bad judgement) goes a long way towards getting hired. So does acting like you're totally comfortable hanging out in 200 degrees heat while wearing a tuxedo. Come in strong with a smile and strut your stuff! This is your chance to show off why you aren't the worst possible candidate for the position, and the easiest way to do that is to act like you fit in around the workplace before you're even hired. If you're clearly comfortable chatting around the flesh hooks, than your employer will know that you're a good fit for the company.

3. First impressions are best impressions

Dressing properly is an interview in itself. It's best to dress one level of formality above whatever's standard for that field- if employees usually dress business casual, then try gussying up in semiformal attire. If it's formal attire around the office, then it's time to pull out all the stops and get your fiendish fits ready- you'll need to dress up in firestyle. Just don't overdo it! Wearing a full royal's suite to an interview at the local gas station is generally considered to be in poor taste.

4. Shake hands like you mean it

Handshakes are another big part of your first impression. Look your future employer in the eye, grab all nine of their hands, and squeeze them like you're trying to cut off their blood flow. Shake vigorously until the other person's hand pops free. Never be the first to let go! Letting go first is a clear sign that you're a coward who will amount to nothing in the workplace, and no sane employer will hire you if you come in with a limp wrist and duck out as soon as you can wrestle your sweaty hands free.

5. Pretend that you have a shred of confidence in yourself

Interviews are terrifying, and let's be honest: none of us feel like we really deserve to be hired, especially when there are so many capable monstrosities out there. The truth is that none of them know what they're doing either. They're just really good at pretending that their egos are as large as the abomination that ate your car on the way to today's interview. You, too, can pretend that you think you're good enough! Puff up that chest, unbutton the first button on your shirt, and walk in with a swagger that would make Satan jealous. No one will ever know that it's all a lie! Trust me, I've been pretending that I know what I'm doing for the last few centuries and it's worked out great for me- I have no idea why I keep getting published in Hell's newspaper columns when all I write is trash, but it pays the bills! Don't tell my boss.

6. Demonstrate knowledge in relevant topics

You've been studying hard to look good for corporate strangers, and now's your time to shine! Drop 45 minutes of information about Dante's seven circles of Hell, complete with the gory details- interviewers love it when a candidate knows their stuff. Bonus points if you can give a play-by-play explanation of which circle you're destined for if you don't get the job! Employers want to hire folks who are familiar with their field rather than some greenie dead boy who's still freaking out over the ghost pepper pits, so the more you know, the more they'll want to hire you.

7. Sacrifice a child in your interviewer's name

It's not bribery if it's hell-sanctioned sucking up! Haul a child and some ritual supplies along to your interview and you're sure to leave a fantastic impression. For best results, make sure the child is an infant (preferably a pudgy one) and be sure to sharpen your knife. It's still a nice gesture if your knife is dull, but we all know what your interviewer is really thinking when it takes you a solid five minutes to cut up the sacrifice: "did no one teach them knife skills?"

8. If all else fails, apply upstairs

So you didn't get the job and are facing eternity cuddled up to a rabid wolverine. It's not the end of the world- you've still got a shot at other companies that might be a better fit for you! More specifically, you've got a shot as one of God's own praise-singing featherballs. Sure, they're prissy bitches that spend all day polishing those halos, but it's better than being used as a living lava hose for the next few centuries. Just make sure to tidy up your look and file down those horns before you apply. Big Daddy doesn't approve of Hell couture.

With these 8 tips, you're sure to nail your interview and land the position of your dreams. Or not! But hey, I got paid 800 Hellcoins to write this garbage and I'm going to buy some hound chow with it, so at least life is going well for somebody. Sucks to be you though!

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